Always Use the Rubber Tongs
Posted: January 1st, 2007
Submitted by Ryan Russo, Age 31, Bethesda MD
I was a junior in high school dating a senior. She was a cheerleader and very cool. I was a good athlete, which helped my social status. But I also suffered from chronic dork-dom and occasional episodes of buffoonery, which didn't. I knew it was only a matter of time before she realized this and dumped me.
I had to act fast.
Sadly, knowing I had to act fast and actually doing it are two very different things. The chance to finally lose my virginity was there, but the window of opportunity would not be open long. Weeks went by and so did the bases. First. Second. Third was discussed, which was pretty good for me. I felt that getting to third base pretty much made home plate a foregone conclusion (Years of experience would later prove this not to be the case, but I didn't know that then).
One Sunday night, she casually suggested that I come to her house to study that Thursday, coyly tossing out the fact that her parents would be at the movies. I managed to coyly ask if there was a chance that we may do more than study and she coyly responded "Maybe." We were both being very coy and, looking back, it's a little nauseating. But at the time, it was riveting and totally hot.
Monday passed. And Tuesday. Each day there would be piercing gazes in the halls and evening phone conversations about Thursday.
Thursday. It shined like a beacon on a cold, virginal night.
On Wednesday, things did not go according to plan. I was in chemistry lab with Susan, the would-be class salutatorian. She was nice but too precocious for her own good. She'd recently broken her jaw while walking her dog and had it wired shut. This has no real bearing on the story; I just think it adds some interesting context. Anyway, we were doing an experiment that required putting something or other in a hot water bath. Susan, being too precocious for her own good, prepared the actual chemicals and I was relegated to hot-water bath duty. I put a large glass beaker on the iron stand above the Bunsen burner and started the flame going. Before long it was bubbling and ready to be taken off. I took a pair of tongs to remove the beaker. The pair I used was metal, as opposed to the rubber-coated metal tongs. I realized the critical importance of this detail when the beaker slipped out from the tongs and spilled all over my crotch.
A half liter of boiling water spilled all over my crotch. Boiling water, all over my crotch. (I say this twice because the pain and embarrassment involved cannot be over-emphasized.)
Susan was unsympathetic.
"Geez, Ryan, you should have used the rubber tongs. That was really stupid." Only it didn't sound like that because her jaw was wired shut. It really sounded more like:
"Sheesh, Shyan, you should shave shused she shubber shongs. Shat shas sheally shtupid."
Too humiliated to go to the nurse, I hobbled to the bathroom and examined myself in a stall. I had second degree burns on my penis and they were blistering. It was disgusting and excruciating. I spent the rest of the day and all of the next wearing loose fitting sweat pants and walking very gingerly.
Thursday night came and I went to the senior's house. I sat on her sofa in my Smurf-blue sweats and very delicately explained the past events that would prevent any hanky-panky that evening. As I talked I could see the interest drain from her face. She was looking at me less like a sexual Adonis and more like a train wreck in slow motion. We would not have sex that night or any other. It would be several weeks before my pelvic region was back to normal. By then, we had broken up.
I remained a virgin for two more years.
(117 votes, average: 4.62 out of 5)
Loading ...Categories: Guy Story - No Sex for Guy, High School, How Not To Get Laid, Humiliation, Icky and/or Gross, Virginity.
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Bugger!! I think telling her was one thing, but dude your reputation must have taken a massive blow - not to mention your confidence!!
That is the most horrible thing I’ve ever heard.
aww i’m so sorry! I hope your first time was a great experience, though.
“Sheesh, Shyan, you should shave shused she shubber shongs.”
That’s hilarious, though not at the time, of course. I’m sorry it took you two more years to get laid, but now, I’m sure, you’re an expert. Great story, Matt
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Wow - that merited and received two and a half pairs of lollerskates. shubber shongs indeed. Thanks for the story, hombre.
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There was this guy see.
He wasn’t very bright and he reached his adult life without ever having learned “the facts”.
Somehow, it gets to be his wedding day.
While he is walking down the isle, his father tugs his sleeve and says,
“Son, when you get to the hotel room…Call me”
Hours later he gets to the hotel room with his beautiful blushing bride and he calls his father,
“Dad, we are the hotel, what do I do?”
“O.K. Son, listen up, take off your clothes and get in the bed, then she should take off her clothes and get in the bed, if not help her. Then either way, ah, call me”
A few moments later…
“Dad we took off our clothes and we are in the bed, what do I do?”
O.K. Son, listen up. Move real close to her and she should move real close to you, and then… Ah, call me.”
A few moments later…
“DAD! WE TOOK OFF OUR CLOTHES, GOT IN THE BED AND MOVED REAL CLOSE, WHAT DO I DO???”
“O.K. Son, Listen up, this is the most important part. Stick the long part of your body into the place where she goes to the bathroom.”
A few moments later…
“Dad, I’ve got my foot in the toilet, what do I do?”
There was this guy see.
He wasn’t very bright and he reached his adult life without ever having learned “the facts”.
Somehow, it gets to be his wedding day.
While he is walking down the isle, his father tugs his sleeve and says,
“Son, when you get to the hotel room…Call me”
Hours later he gets to the hotel room with his beautiful blushing bride and he calls his father,
“Dad, we are the hotel, what do I do?”
“O.K. Son, listen up, take off your clothes and get in the bed, then she should take off her clothes and get in the bed, if not help her. Then either way, ah, call me”
A few moments later…
“Dad we took off our clothes and we are in the bed, what do I do?”
O.K. Son, listen up. Move real close to her and she should move real close to you, and then… Ah, call me.”
A few moments later…
“DAD! WE TOOK OFF OUR CLOTHES, GOT IN THE BED AND MOVED REAL CLOSE, WHAT DO I DO???”
“O.K. Son, Listen up, this is the most important part. Stick the long part of your body into the place where she goes to the bathroom.”
A few moments later…
“Dad, I’ve got my foot in the toilet, what do I do?”
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