How Not to Get Laid

Submitted by J. Wordsworth, Age 26, Seattle

I was a freshman in high school. I was 6′3″, skinny, wore glasses and took AP and honors classes. As you can imagine, I was completely inept when it came to girls. Utterly incompetent. I was incapable of saying anything remotely intelligent. I was also painfully aware of how awkward I was, which was a vicious cycle as far as my penis was concerned.

In my biology class I noticed this girl. She was attractive, and more importantly, she talked to me. More accurately, she had to talk to me as she was my lab partner. She was into drama and also ballet. I didn’t know why I was drawn to a girl with demonstrated flexibility at the time; I just vaguely knew that it was good for a girl to be flexible (probably natural male instinct). She also had a car. And a license. I was 15 and had neither. Perfect scenario for me.

I am not in any way sure how it happened, though I am quite sure she pretty much took charge, but we started flirting. She would come to the freshman basketball games and watch me ride the pine (6′3″ 140 wasn’t getting me much playing time).

We started hanging out after school, and eventually it lead to a classic high school ploy. One day her friend came up to me and asked (most likely between giggles) if I was going to ask this girl to the winter formal or some other crappy high school function (can’t remember what it was but even as a freshman I innately knew that it was something to be avoided unless necessary). I was also aware that if I wanted to continue whatever was going on with this girl, I had to take her to the damn dance. So I did. That night is where things went horribly wrong for me, and most importantly, my penis.

The night started out fine, standard dinner and then going to the dance and standing awkwardly while loud music was played (much like what I do at bars now, only now I sway drunkenly as opposed to standing awkwardly). Then we went back to her place for an after party. That no one else was invited to. And her parents were gone. The possibilities were endless. We started making out.

Then I blurted out the worst thing possible. For my penis.

I advised her that we should stay above the belt. What a fucking moron I was. I wish I could go back in time and slap some sense into 15 year-old me. But I cannot. I remember the look of confusion on her face. What the hell could she possibly think? Oh, how I wish I could go back and un-say that.

I can see why I said it. I was young and totally inexperienced. She was older and presumably more experienced. I didn’t want her to know I was so inexperienced (though, sweet lord, a statement like the one I uttered was a pretty strong clue of my ineptitude). Additionally, my experience with other penises (penii?) was limited to porn and the basketball locker room (large black men). I had a serious inadequacy complex re: my little guy. I was freaked out and blurted the only thing I could think of to buy me some time to figure out what to do. (I am literally shaking my head in disgust just thinking about this ridiculously stupid play on my part).

For some reason she continued to date me after this, but being overly cautious in terms of any contact with my penis, much to my chagrin. I spent a lot of time at her house with an extremely painful set of blue balls. I also spent a lot of time trying to figure out a way out of my predicament (for some reason just letting her know that below the belt was in play was not obvious to me). This girl unfortunately respected my request to keep it above the belt for the tenure of our relationship.

The lesson? I am stupid.

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