The Mama’s Boy

Submitted by Christy, Age 25, Detroit

I was pleased as punch to run into my big high school crush last year and find that he was really into me too. It seemed so perfect! No awkward first date jitters or stilted conversation – we already knew each other! We could barely keep our hands off each other, and sped through dinner so we could cut to the chase, head back to his place, and hit the sheets. It was going swimmingly. He was sexy, he was smooth, he was skilled.

And then… it went wrong. So, so wrong.

As he unrolls a condom over himself, he tells me, giddy with excitement, “My mom is going to be so happy to hear about this when I call her tomorrow!”

Absolute buzzkill…

Why pick *that* moment to mention he’s going to call his mom to tell her all about our hookup?? (and who calls their mom to tell them this kind of thing, anyway?)

Seriously. How not to get laid? Just keep yapping about your mom while you’re in the sack. It will prevent you from getting laid each and every time.

Firemen have this problem all the time

Submitted by Linda, Age 29, Los Angeles

It was my first year in the dorms. I was sharing a room with one other girl, and we’d only recently met but were becoming great friends. She kind enough to allow by BF from back home to come stay in our one tiny room for a week long visit.

Well, my beloved came up by bus on the very weekend our two adjacent dorm buildings had been having a fire alarm war. For the unfamiliar, this means a person from building A sneaks into building B in the middle of the night and pulls the fire alarm. Sirens blare in each and every room and everyone must evacuate the building until the campus fire department comes and resets the alarm.

Our first night together in the same bed in months, we waited until my roommate was definitely asleep and we began to ever so slowly snuggle together, getting closer and closer. It was at the exact moment our under-the-covers snuggling crossed the line into “official sex” that the light above the door started flashing and those piercing teeth-gnashing sirens began screaming. I believe I literally felt my BF shrink out and away. We had to pull ourselves together (apart I mean) and pretend to be half asleep like my roommate as we were herded down the stairs and outside into the cold. Needless to say, my BF was a very jumpy guy every time I wanted him to be a very humpy guy after that!

Friendly Advances

Submitted by Marcus, Age 36, Florida

While living in Hogtown, I had a good friend who happened to be quite hot, who I had an off and on thing for. We were good friends, and both of us valued that, which made it tough and awkward during those moments when ‘the urge’ would strike.

Two of these moments are worthy of a telling. Hers first. One late night, after I had gotten home from work, I was settling down for a bit of chatting on IRC and some gaming. It was a boggy but not totally unpleasant Florida night, so I had opted to open my windows rather than run the air. I had just smoked a bowl which made me a bit jumpy, when there was a sharp rap on my door. Paranoia set in as I thought who the hell could that be at this time, but it was none other than my good friend. In a short, black, ‘do me’ outfit. She was a very hot buzzed chick looking for some action.

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Polly wants to what?!

Submitted by Ginger

Okay, so here I am at the ripe old age of 22, just got out of a long, life-wasting relationship, and I was on the rebound. My priority in life at this point was to go out, get drunk, and get laid. One night, I did go out, did get drunk, and was talking to a guy who somehow was getting progressively cuter as the night progressed. It happens, you’ve lived it, let’s move on. So, a couple, two, three more drinks later, he is suddenly the funniest guy I’ve ever met, and for some reason, I decided that we should leave and get things rolling.

Now, I’m not an overly materialistic girl, but when I saw the ”Hello this is my Grandma’s car” car that he was proudly sporting, I started to lose my buzz, but I didn’t let this get to me until I got into his car to see that he was, indeed, sitting on a cushion. My grandma did this because she was shrinking and needed the boost. Okay…letting this slide.

End at his house. Still lives with the parents, and I was assuming he was about my age — no biggie. We sneak into his basement room, have another drink, and then it starts to go from there. Make it onto his bed, start fooling around, having a grand old time, and all of a sudden I hear this SCCCCCCCRRRRREEEEEEAAAAAAAAACCCCCHHHH SSSSSQQQQQwwwwwwwwwaaaaaaaccccck!!!

Ok WTF was that!?!? I ask. So…Grandma Ride jumps up out of the bed half naked and goes, “OHHH I didn’t introduce you to Annie!!!”

I’m sitting here thinking “Who is Annie and WTF is Annie spewing out that wretched ear piercing noise!?!?”

So the guy, who is getting rapidly uglier by the second as my buzz has just about completely dissipated, proceeds to run across the basement half clothed to go get this enormously huge parrot and bring it into the bed! I’M HALF NAKED HERE, BUD!

”Do you want to see how Annie is a good girl and can do her tricks?!?”

Uhhh, not so much, but I was not having much choice here as I was hurriedly getting dressed. (And you all know how getting dressed fast doesn’t seem to work; legs are in arm holes, etc.etc.) Well as he spewed out random “baby talk” antics to this thing, Annie decided she apparently didn’t like me. Annie was eyeing me down with her beady little eyes and I was giving her THE LOOK right back. Annie swoops off, not like a “pretty little girlie” and flies at me going for my head! At this time I proceeded to lie on the bed and pull the blanket over my head, swearing to myself that I was NEVER drinking again and I should try celibacy.

Now, instead of, I don’t know, GETTING THE BIRD AWAY FROM ME, this creep calmly says, ”Oh, Annie is upset because you are laying on her pillow. You should move over.”

You let your bird sleep in your bed?!!?

”Why of course! She is my BAAAAYBAAAY, aren’t you, Miss Prettiest Bird in the World!?!? Do you like daddy’s new girlfriend??!”

At this point, I managed to escape the entanglement of the bed sheets and got up and out of the bed. I was then RUNNING out the door and didn’t care that I didn’t have my shoes on in the middle of a Chicago January. I was deathly afraid I was going to end up in a hole with Precious tossing me a bottle of lotion to rub on my skin.

Yeah, he didn’t get laid. THANK GOD!!!!!

If only I could go back in time and make myself forget she said that…

Submitted by FilmFan, Age 27, Atlanta, GA

So I go out to see my friend’s band at a venue that was a few blocks from my house. Afterward, a few of the band members come over and bring some of their friends. We have a few drinks, and as the night goes on, people gradually trickle out. Eventually, the only people left are me, my roommate, and this girl I slightly know who sometimes hangs out with the band. I start getting the impression that the girl is hitting on me (and so does my roommate, who discreetly goes to bed to leave us alone).

After a while, she comes over and sits on my lap. At this point, I’m kind of lukewarm about whether I want to sleep with this girl or not. I’m not really that attracted to her, but I’m drunk and it’s been a while. I decide what the hell, I’ll sleep with her. We were watching CNN or something on TV, which is kinda distracting when you’re making out, so I pick up the remote and change to some random channel.

She looks up and says “Is that Timecop 2?”

Snickering, I look up the show on the TV Guide channel and, sure enough, it’s Timecop 2. I start laughing and say “Do you actually like this movie?”

She says, in all earnestness, “It’s good, but not as good as the first one.”

I’m like “You mean you liked Timecop? The Jean Claude van Damme movie? From like 10 years ago?”

And she says “Yeah, I love Van Damme. I just wish they could have gotten him to do Timecop 2.”

I start laughing, trying to hide my condescension. We make out for a while longer, but I can’t get over the whole JCVD thing. This girl is not for me, I keep thinking. After a while, I stand up, give her a kiss on the cheek, tell her that she can sleep on the couch if she’s too drunk to drive, and go to sleep. I never saw her again.

A little crazy, but she’s got perfect teeth

Submitted by Charlie, Age 38, Houston

I worked at a business software company for 8 years as Network Administrator, and during that time successfully bedded about half of the female personnel; surprisingly, I still had a pretty good reputation, which I attributed to my being honest with women and treating them right before and after each one-night stand. Hell, I mean they even recommended me to one another.

Then we hired a new receptionist for the main desk, and this chick was dazzling. Beautiful red hair, face like a china doll, hazel eyes, built like a brick shithouse, smart, witty, effervescent personality, everybody loved her from day one. Within two weeks I had her heels on my shoulders at the Marriott, and I seriously thought this girl was The One. I soon learned through the grapevine that she thought the same thing about me.

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A Plea for Bells and Whistles

Submitted by I Hate Cricket Sex, 25, NYC

This isn’t a particularly titillating story, but it should really help a lot of young men out there.

I met a cute, albeit slightly younger, guy at a bar last summer. I’d recently gone through a break up and was looking for some no-strings fun, and this guy seemed like the perfect opportunity. We end up back at his apartment, which looks like a dorm room (red flag…immature city) and after some movie watching and making out, we start getting more serious…

Biggest. Penis. Ever. I mean – HUGE. But of good proportions. It was honestly worthy of a statue it was so…good looking. I thought I was in for a treat. Not so much. Turns out Bobby Big Dick was one of the worst lovers (well, one night stands) I’ve ever had. NO foreplay, no touching or caressing or sexy moans or passionate moves whatsoever. And he was completely SILENT. I’m talking crickets silent. I could hear the meter of a cab dropping someone off on the street outside. Not even heavy breathing! I felt totally awkward, especially since I’m normally a passionate and sort of loudish chick. I was starting to suspect that he was an android.

When it was over, he asked if I had had a good time. I said, “Uh, did YOU??” “Yeah, it was awesome.” Oh jesus, he thought that was GOOD. He asks, “Did you come? Because I like to make a girl come at least 3 times.” I actually laughed out loud at this. Puh-LEASE. I started calculating how much a cab home at 4 am would cost.

Then he started talking about how he hated those emo kids in high school who talked about suicide. So random. I couldn’t resist changing the subject and asking if he was always that robotic during sex (hey, I didn’t plan on seeing him again). He goes – “yeah I don’t see what the big deal is. I mean, I have a penis, girls have a vagina – you just stick it in. No bells and whistles.” I told him good sex is a lot more than just sticking your ‘penis’ in my ‘vagina’ a few dozen times – “Whatever,” he says. Gentlemen, bells and whistles (not literally) lead to fireworks, not silent and creepy pumping.

What a waste of a perfectly good penis on a perfectly stupid ass.

One of Those “Friend of a Friend” Things

Submitted by Jack, 28, San Francisco, CA

I got a call from this very sexy girl who had been dating a good friend of mine for several months. They had ended things on good terms recently, but rumor was that they might be relapsing occasionally. This girl was out of town visiting her terminally-ill grandfather. She said she would be back that evening….did I want to do something? She sounded upset, needed some distraction, humor, support, etc. I agreed, not considering this to be anything other than platonic.

Continue reading One of Those “Friend of a Friend” Things